scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
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My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…