Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
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TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no