Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
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Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
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