Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
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can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*