*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
You Might Also Like
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no