I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
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[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
“i miss shittin on people”
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Oceanography is all about current events
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest