[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
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A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry