[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
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last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
79.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.