It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
You Might Also Like
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
there has never been a better use of this meme
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.