[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
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“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!