Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
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The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn