daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
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me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.