DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
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I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
starting a garage orchestra
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.