establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
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Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
they really do be looking like this
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Today’s Times
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea