[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
You Might Also Like
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.