Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
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I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
damn he’s good
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.