I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
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[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.