[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
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How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life