If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
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How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
then why did i get this email
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Florida be like…
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.