My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
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The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Hank is one in a melon.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?