mood
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Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”