her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
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My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
How to properly lift a body
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off