[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
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“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU