God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
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I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.