[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
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Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.