People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
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Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Yup….perfect score!
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.