Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
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After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
me logging onto twitter
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
What?!?
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I’m a self-made hundredaire
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.