A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
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Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Fat chances are my favorite chances
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”