GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
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What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Is this a threat?
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?