Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

[Rome]

CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”

We’re intellectual opposites.

You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.

Me: Sound the drums of war!!

My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*

*we enter the buffet*

If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…

Me: Sold!

My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean

“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword

“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”

~My dog when the doorbell rings

I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.

[Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*

*eat the good cheese

My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.

Me: Wtf?

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full