Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
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I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?