When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
You Might Also Like
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery