me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
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not for long
lmao
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Terribly Tuesday.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?