Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
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Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?