I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
You Might Also Like
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.