love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
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Ah yes. The three genders
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up