U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
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ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.