This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
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Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.