My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
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If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.