*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
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How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working