Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
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Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
road rage
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“