Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
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I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Very good! 👍😂
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework