Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
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Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?