My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
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If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Rambo Rambow
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Hitlers gonna hitl
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.