I sexually identify as a hand grenade
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As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
same bro
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.