Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
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A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish