What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
me trying to get a bartender’s attention