I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
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Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram