Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
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can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
you telling me a banana nut in this bread