Dietest Coke
You Might Also Like
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Bike is short for Bichael.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
sin harder.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song